I was hurt, again.

I don’t get people who just never get tired of hurting people they so called love. Don’t you have a heart? Feelings? Allah has given you mind to think, and heart to love so please use it right.

Last year, during this time i was a broken hearted. When someone i love so much cheated on me. It takes me months to finally be okay and my mum was there through it with me. What hurts me the most is to see my mum cried because she can’t stand looking at her dear daughter got hurt that bad. She did all the efforts and tried her very best to make me happy. I know it wasn’t easy. I was at times pissed with myself when i can’t make myself okay while my mum is struggling just to make me feel better. Tears kept falling on her cheeks and that’s when i realize i have to be okay, for her. To not see her cry again. It takes months. 

Then again, it was the same time i was hurt again. Worst. I have feelings. I’m not some kind of robot that you can put to a “heartless” mode so i don’t feel anything. I’m tired, of being hurt by someone i love this way. It’s not fair and right for me. I’m torturing myself while he himself is happily moved on with someone else. You came uninvited but i accepted you anyhow because i loved you too much. I finally broke down again just now after knowing the truth. I know the truth hurts so much but i just want to know it from you, not from anyone else. Right when you said “yes” without any guilt and sorry, i was out of words. Wordless i am. Mum was stronger than i am. She keeps on holding my hand and asking me to be patient and always stay strong when that’s my biggest weaknesses. I hold on to tears because i don’t want her to see me weak. I don’t want to see her cry, again. She has been through a lot last year and i just don’t want to put her again in that kind of situation. I can’t let it happen.

And so, i stay strong. I know i am. I will do it, for her sake. I love my mum more than ever, more than infinity and i know her unconditional love is the best gift Allah has ever given to me. Thank you mum for every single thing. For dealing with my attitudes when i’m going through all this. You were there, every time. You listened to all my craps, wipe my tears away and always gives me the best advises someone could ever give. I love you mama, forever. I promise you that i’ll be strong for you. I know i can as long as i have you by my side, insyaAllah.

P/s: I bet you’re happy to see me suffer like this. What goes around comes around.

Aina Syahirah x

Short post.

Attended my driving class last monday. It was okay alhamdulillah :) I could finally drive a manual car and surprisingly, it wasn’t as hard as some people say but not easy too though. Went out yesterday with mum to shop for college’s stuffs (clothes and shoes) and laptop hunting too. Found the one i guess. Hope dad agreed insyaAllah. Slept pretty late last night because i’m having sleepless night as usual and suddenly mum woke up early in the morning for driving class. I finally drove on the road and highways today. It was crazy! It’s only my second class and  i’m already driving on the road. My instructor said that i’m a fast learner and picks up very fast hehehehe (alhamdulillah). I guess i wanted to drive so bad? 

I shall prepare more college stuffs as i’m going soon. I want to meet all my girls before i go but everyone seemed so busy. It’s okay, i shall find time. Got dentist appointment tomorrow! Busy day ahead so have a lovely week loves.

P/s: Congratulations.

Aina Syahirah x

Honesty.

Okay i don’t even know why did i even typed that word but it suddenly crossed my mind. And i just write it.

My weekends were good, alhamdulillah. Went to Janda Baik yesterday as planned, with all the family bunch on mom’s side. I really am excited as i’ve been stressed these days (about unnecessary things). Started our journey at noon and met other families at one of the petrol station. Arrived at the resort at around 4pm. The resort was spectacular. I love the whole balinese concept and it’s so relaxing. Made me really miss my trip to Bali. The sound of the water from the river (in front of the resort) is just calming. Took a few minutes break after checking in. All of them were excited to mandi sungai and so we did. The water is just so cold! Took pictures and had fun. I  was expecting something hot to eat later cause i was shivering (as it was super cold) and mum fed me up with lemang and mum’s homemade rendang. Tasted so good!! Went back to our rooms and showered. Time for the bbq. The adults (aunties & uncles) set up the bbq and the others hanged out at our own room. The little kids were all running around screaming and jumping. The boys were in the next room and i could hear them blasting some songs (sounded like a party) :> Then we gathered at the porch and had dinner (chicken, squid, fishes, prawns). What more to ask than good food!! It was then game time so we played musical chair which is cute! Even the adults joined us. Fun times! Got back to our room then time to doze off. I could passed out for laughing too much haha!

Today, we got up pretty late and had breakfast together! Finally my cravings for nasi lemak had been fulfilled. Been awhile since i last had them :) Packed our stuffs and got home. Goodbyes are always the saddest! But i’m excited for our family trip again end of this month to Penang again! CAN’T WAIT.

Played Scarbble and Boogle with Mum and sister right after we got home. That’s how i practically spent my sunday and it has been such a lovely weekend. Hoping a good day tomorrow as it’s the starter of the week. My brain’s pretty tired so i should get some sleep. Nights!

P/s: You’ve hurt me so much but i still had hopes on you. I know you know why. Hope one day you could realize how much i’ve love you all these years.

Aina Syahirah x

It has been 4 days? I just realized. My days had been good. I couldn’t wish for anything better :) Alhamdulillah syukur! 

I know it’s a little bit too late but i would like to welcome May with a bismillah. It was a good month last year. So i’m hoping for a good month this year as well, insyaAllah. April was tough that i would not want to go through it again. 

Started my first day of May (Tuesday) by watching The Avengers with my family. It was superb. I give it 11/10. Beyond words! I enjoyed every minute of it :) Had lunch at Mango Chili & their tom yam was so good. Happy tummy! Didn’t do much on Wednesday as it’s more to a relaxing day. Had a self-pampering day at home. Mum did my face spa. Felt very calm and relieved. Mum even do my hand spa which is the best. Loved it. Thank you mama, for everything and i love you endlessly :* Since i’ve been missing my girls so much, went out with them to KLCC on Thursday and had lunch at Ben’s. The food is a bit pricey but it was worth every penny. And of course, i enjoyed every secs i spent with them cause they are the best Love you Husna, Nisa and Nabyla :> Finally Friday arrived. Went to GE Mall today with Nabyla and had our one-day-job. It was a whole lot of fun. Bumped onto Husna and Sara! So good to see them :) Had early dinner at Chicken Rice Shop and mum picked me up after. It has been a great week and i’m hoping for a good weekend, to end the week. Alhamdulillah, thank you ya Allah for every single thing. Syukur.

I definitely can’t wait for tomorrow. Spending my weekend at Janda Baik with the whole family bunch on mom’s side. Definitely can’t wait!! And…. i haven’t packed. I shall sleep now as i’m gonna have a long day tomorrow. Nights.

P/s: You just never know how much i love you.

Aina Syahirah x

Lovely sunday well spent.

Hope you readers *if i have one* have a pleasant sunday spent with your loved ones. My sunday was spectacular i can say. 

Up such early at 8am in the morning. Head down to Seremban for a “majlis cukur jambul”. It was so good to see all the relatives on dad’s side. Been awhile :) Played with dearest little Zaira (3 years) & baby Zia Zafirah (7 months). Ahh i can’t resist babies they’re just too cute and i really can’t wait to have mine later. Got home and went for a movie with Nisa. Watched Cabin in the Woods. It’s beyond scary and i don’t get why some people said it’s boring. I’ve been cursing throughout the whole movie. A good movie though :) Had lecka lecka since they just opened their branch at Wangsa walk and hot & roll. Yumms. Tummy happy and my heart’s happy too :> 

I’d be lying if i say i don’t miss you. But i know there’s nothing i could ever do but to just move on. Moving on is never going to be easy because forgetting you was never in my dictionary. I tried my very best to make myself happy, still am trying.It’s a brand new week tomorrow so hoping for a good start of the day too, insyaAllah.

P/s: “You have the most beautiful pair of eyes a girl could have”. Remember those words you always said to me when i’m having insecurities. It still plays in my head, always will.

Aina Syahirah x

I wish picture could capture how horrible i look now. I laid down in bed, snuggling like nobody’s business. I couldn’t afford to get up. I felt weak. I felt like the world’s falling down. 

Mum came into the room. Giving me a glass of water (she knows how much i love water). The first thing she asked me, “how are you feeling, baby?”. Then again, i started crying. I can’t help myself. She gave me a little massage just to make me feel a little better. I was determined, to get up.

I got up. I looked in the mirror. Looking at the shadow that reflects, i see me. In such a bad condition. I’m messed up. I realize then while asking myself, “What am i doing?”. Just when i realize i was torturing myself. I looked at mum and she cried. How can i let myself see my own mum crying just because she’s afraid and scared about her daughter’s condition. 

That’s finally when i know that i have to move on. Forget everything that had happened yesterday and never want to go through it again, ever. Laid down on mom’s lap while holding her hands, she told me so many wise words. Words that give me courage. Thank you for everything ma (she took care of me like a baby today). I love you, endlessly :*

Went to wangsa walk for karaoke and i cried while i was singing “Izinkan ku pergi by Kaer”. How awful, Aina! I even got my tickets for Avengers next tuesday. So excited for it :> After karaoke, went to Sara’s house for bbq with all the classmates. Ya Allah, been missing them so much! Glad to see everyone. So much love i got for them :]

I should get some sleep. I can’t let myself drown in tears again. And to you, falling in love with you has taught me a lot. It’s the best bittersweet journey that i wouldn’t trade for anything else in life. You made me a stronger and weaker person at the same time. How magical. I wish you the best in everything, good luck. And, thank you for everything. I hope you’re happy, in life and hereafter :) I won’t ever forget whatever you said to me last night. Will be remembered, forever.

Aina Syahirah x

Why am i torturing myself when i can be happy with my life? It’s called true love.

I was fine before you came. I don’t get the purpose of you coming back. To ruin my happiness? Guess what, you just did.

You’re just way too unpredictable. You could be sweet one moment and within a split second, you could be someone else. How can that possible?

I slept at 5am last night, with tears on my cheek. With the pain i’m carrying. Together with the sickness i’m having and i’m the weakest girl i can ever imagine to picture myself at.

If one sentence i said could make your love fades, that is not true love. If you think comparing me and someone else is right, it’s wrong. Because you should accept someone they way she is if you really love her. You yourself got a lot to improve so improve yourself before you could judge someone. If you think telling all my weaknesses made you feel satisfied, i listened.

Whatever words i said, it’s from my heart. If you think it’s some kind of bullshit, then don’t come to me. I am having such bad headache and flu, but you could still have the urge of telling me all my imperfections. Where did you get the courage? Don’t you have a heart?

I’m done with you. I’m letting you off with her. You should be happy. Thank you for your call last night, much appreciated. Thank you for making me the weakest girl i could ever imagine. The pain’s even worst than the time you cheated on me with her. Remember?

P/s: You never realize one thing. All these while, no matter how bad you treated me, i still love you. Why? Because it’s true love. I never compare you to anyone else no matter how hurt i am. I never voice out your imperfections because i know nobody’s perfect and i accept it as a challenge to me. That’s true love. 

Aina Syahirah x

At times, i do know that whatever happens, there has always gotta be reasons to it. Maybe I’m just yet to know.

April has been good, and bad so far. Unexpected things happened but i really am glad that i could manage it well. Not too well, but it takes time.

I am not good at handling my emotions, to be honest. I always ended up crying whenever i can’t handle it anymore. Somehow, it changed right when you told me to be stronger than i am.

I am so glad that you and i could still talk like best friends. Though it’s hard for me but i’m trying. Not that i’m not. You make a good listener too. Thank you, for everything. I couldn’t be any happier that we could maintain this professionalism and still keep in touch with each other. Truth be told, i couldn’t afford to lose you as my friend now after i’ve lost you as my lover. Congratulations as well on your results. I know you did your best & you deserve it. Try harder in the next semester alright? About your dad’s operation this sunday, do pray a lot and never stop because Allah is always listening. I know things will be fine insyaAllah. My prayers are with you. I’ll be your support if you need one & I know you’re strong enough to go through all this. I believe you.

Stay strong, because i know you’ve been one.

Aina Syahirah x

I got nothing else to do. But missing you.

I can’t describe why i’m feeling this way. I can’t help myself of crying tonight. What is wrong with me?! 

Tonight’s playlist tracks : Songs that reminds me of you. All of them.

I’ll spend my night with two of my new bestfriend, tissues and pictures on my laptop. Sweet dreams.

Aina Syahirah x

Today was tough. Woke up with all those mixed up feeling of bad flu, massive headache, worst sore throat and slight fever. Complete? Yes.

Anyway, i tried myself to go through the day without thinking about what had happened. It was truly hard. Nobody could ever get the feelings i’m having now.

I had this one song stuck in my head. Love the words. Very wise and meaningful. 

P/s: There’re a few things i wish. To know what’s deep down inside your heart. What you felt about me. To have you look me in the eyes, and tell me how much i meant to you. I wished.

Aina Syahirah x